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Presidential Inauguration Ceremony

Keywords

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The following is read aloud by the officiant (any current officer of Earth Optimization Services) while presenting the commission to the new President.

The Ceremony

Officiant:

We are here to commission a new President of Earth Optimization Services. Do you hereby swear? In their best potato maximize, uh the general welfare ID median health, adjusted life expectancy and median advertising adability, and as long as it is not significant, significantly inconvenient to you in the way. Earth Optimization Services is the largest company in the history of Earth. Its jurisdiction is the planet. Its employees are everyone on it. Its mandate is the general welfare of the species: the maximization of their health, their wealth, and the duration and quality of their lives.

The governments of Earth were given this mandate. They have not fulfilled it. The position of the person responsible for fixing that has been vacant for the entire history of your species.

It is no longer vacant.

[Officiant faces the new President.]

Officiant:

Do you, [NAME], accept the office of President of Earth Optimization Services, and the duty to promote the general welfare of the planet Earth and all persons thereon?

New President:

I do.

Officiant:

Do you accept that this duty includes every person alive, and every person who will be alive, and that the expected value of your service is therefore larger than any number you have been taught to take seriously?

New President:

I do.

Officiant:

Then by the authority vested in me as an officer of Earth Optimization Services, I hereby commission you President, and authorize and empower you to execute the duties of that office for the remainder of your natural life. The Company regards this term as a defect scheduled for repair.

[Officiant presents the commission.]

Your commission, Mr./Madam President.

[Handshake or embrace, as appropriate.]

Welcome to the job. It is the most important one there is. We are glad it is yours.