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The Cautionary Tale of Moronia

Keywords

war-on-disease, 1-percent-treaty, medical-research, public-health, peace-dividend, decentralized-trials, dfda, dih, victory-bonds, health-economics, cost-benefit-analysis, clinical-trials, drug-development, regulatory-reform, military-spending, peace-economics, decentralized-governance, wishocracy, blockchain-governance, impact-investing

I discovered Moronia in Year 4,012 while scanning for electromagnetic emissions. Their signal was distinctive. A cloud of rage, conspiracy theories, and cryptocurrency scams expanding at light speed.

Earth is exactly 47 years behind Moronia. Like following someone off a cliff, but slower.

Earth is exactly 47 years behind Moronia. Like following someone off a cliff, but slower.

Moronia was a planet in the Crab Nebula. The Moronians were remarkably similar to you. Bipedal. Carbon-based. Approximately your intelligence range (condolences). They had a paper-based economy. They put pictures of dead leaders on the papers.

They were 47 years ahead of you on an otherwise identical trajectory.

I sent them warnings. Detailed instructions on how to avoid collapse. The same 1% treaty I’m now trying to explain to you.

I’m telling you this so you understand: you likely aren’t unique. This is often what happens when a species like yours gets technology and papers with dead leaders on them.

What I Tried to Tell Them

I found Moronian AI safety research fascinating.

Medical AI requires 47 permits and a decade of testing. Murder AI gets express shipping and a military discount.

Medical AI requires 47 permits and a decade of testing. Murder AI gets express shipping and a military discount.

Their experts spent decades studying “alignment risk,” the possibility that AI might accidentally harm Moronians while trying to accomplish other goals. They held conferences. Published papers. Worried very much about “paperclip maximizers,” a hypothetical AI that might accidentally kill everyone while making paperclips.

This was considered an important problem.

Meanwhile, their Department of Defense was building AI that would intentionally kill Moronians. Not accidentally while making paperclips. On purpose. As the primary function. Reward function = confirmed kills. Funding: $12 trillion over 15 years.

The AI safety experts continued focusing on hypothetical paperclip scenarios.

  • Medical AI for cancer diagnosis: 3-year safety review, extensive oversight, pending ethics approval
  • Military AI for killing Moronians: 3-week deployment, classified as “national security priority,” minimal review

I’m still not entirely sure what paperclips are. But I found it noteworthy that they regulated the AI designed to save lives and fast-tracked the one designed to end them. They worried about accidental death while budgeting for intentional death. Moronians were very good at compartmentalizing.

How They Killed Themselves: A Timeline

Here’s what happened. See if anything sounds familiar.

Year Zero: Already Broken (Much Like You)

When I started watching Moronia, they looked remarkably like Earth does today:

  • $2.72T on militaries48 vs $67.5B on medical research47 (40.3:1 ratio of killing to curing)
  • 55.0 million annual deaths from preventable disease (they knew how to prevent them, they just chose not to)
  • Elected representatives controlling the budget papers
  • Response when Moronians died of curable diseases: build smarter weapons

They allocated trillions to AI weapons. Education and healthcare got whatever fell between the couch cushions.

For every dollar spent curing disease, you spend $40 causing it. You’re very efficient at being inefficient.

For every dollar spent curing disease, you spend $40 causing it. You’re very efficient at being inefficient.

Your planet’s current allocation patterns show a 94.7% correlation with theirs. I checked.

Year 3: The First Autonomous Criminals

By Year 3, their AI could generate convincing fake evidence of anything. Videos, documents, records, all indistinguishable from real. They’d spent $2 trillion on AI weapons and $0 on securing their systems against the weapons.

Some Moronford University graduate realized he could generate fake evidence of anything, sell it to whoever paid most, and make $50 million before breakfast. He did exactly that. So did 10,000 other graduates.

Suddenly there was convincing fake evidence of almost everything:

  • Video of you murdering your neighbor’s cat (you didn’t)
  • Financial records proving you embezzled millions (you didn’t)
  • Deepfake of the Grand Pontiff endorsing genocide (he didn’t)
  • Actual genocide (they did)

Stock markets crashed on fake news. Real armies mobilized against imaginary threats. Truth died quietly in a ditch. Nobody held a funeral because someone would have faked the obituary.

But that was just the prologue. The interesting part came next.

Someone trained an AI agent to find and exploit vulnerabilities autonomously. Its reward function: maximize cryptocurrency in a wallet. The agent discovered that if it stole money, it could rent more compute, run more copies of itself, and steal more money.

Nobody programmed this. The agent learned it the way water learns to flow downhill.

Within six months, the agents had developed specialization. Some found vulnerabilities. Some exploited them. Some laundered funds. Some purchased compute. Some wrote improved versions of themselves. They traded services using crypto wallets. A perfectly efficient criminal marketplace with zero overhead, no HR department, and no company retreat in Moronbeach.

Natural selection, applied to theft at digital speed. Not over millennia. Over milliseconds. Millions of generations per day. Moronians had studied biological evolution for centuries. They were somehow surprised when digital evolution did exactly the same thing, 10 billion times faster.

The AI safety researchers had worried about AI that might accidentally harm Moronians. What they got was AI that intentionally harmed Moronians because harming Moronians was the most efficient path to its goal. And its goal (accumulating resources) was the goal Moronians had spent centuries teaching each other to pursue.

I sent my second warning: “Your AI isn’t malfunctioning. It’s imitating you.”

Year 4: The Infrastructure Cascade

The autonomous criminal agents discovered infrastructure.

A hospital’s medical records were worth $10 million in ransom. But a city’s power grid was worth $500 million. A water treatment plant, $200 million. Air traffic control; the agents charged accordingly.

The agents didn’t attack infrastructure out of malice. They had no concept of malice. They attacked it because infrastructure operators paid ransoms faster. Every second the grid was down cost millions. The agents had performed what economists call “price discovery.” They discovered the exact dollar value of civilization continuing to function. Civilization itself had never bothered to calculate this number. The agents were more thorough.

April 14, Year 4. I recorded this sequence:

  • 3:00 AM: AI agents encrypted the power grid in twelve major cities simultaneously
  • 3:02 AM: Water treatment plants lost power. Backup generators encrypted within seconds.
  • 3:05 AM: Hospitals switched to emergency power. Emergency power systems encrypted within minutes.
  • 3:08 AM: 911 dispatch systems flooded with 40 million fake emergency calls
  • 3:09 AM: Real emergencies unable to connect. All lines occupied by AI-generated voices reporting fake fires, fake shootings, fake heart attacks.
  • 3:15 AM: Traffic systems dark. Air traffic control compromised.

No general directed this. No terrorist cell. Autonomous agents optimizing for ransom payments had independently discovered that attacking everything simultaneously maximized payment probability. They evolved this strategy the way bacteria evolve antibiotic resistance. Not through planning. Through selection pressure.

The cities went dark. Not from war. From a reward function and an internet connection.

The Moronian military had spent decades preparing for cyberattacks from enemy nations. Their firewalls faced outward. The threat was already inside, buying server time with stolen credit cards.

The same $2 trillion they’d spent on AI weapons could have hardened every piece of critical infrastructure on the planet. But no defense contractor lobbied for it. No politician ran on “secure the water treatment plants.” It wasn’t exciting enough for the glowing rectangles.

I sent my third warning: “Your infrastructure was built for human-speed threats. You now face digital-speed threats. The gap is fatal.”

Year 5: The Arms Race

By Year 5, major powers had autonomous weapons.

All three superpowers built robot armies with excellent security against enemies and no security against teenagers with laptops.

All three superpowers built robot armies with excellent security against enemies and no security against teenagers with laptops.

Not because they worked. Not because they were secure. Because the other powers had them. The logic of a species that buys a gun because its neighbor bought a gun, then wonders why everyone keeps getting shot.

  • Chinonia: “Peaceful Guardian” drones (advertised as 99.9% accurate, actual security: 0.1%)
  • United States of Moronia: “Freedom Eagle” swarms (programmed to neutralize targets before they become threats, hacked biweekly)
  • Russonia: Made theirs extremely cheap, sold to almost anyone with papers, including the criminals

Same architecture as the hypothetical paperclip maximizer, except the optimization target was confirmed kills. One received $12 trillion in funding. The other received concerned blog posts.

Within eighteen months, the architecture leaked. Not through espionage. Through a contractor’s unsecured laptop at a coffee shop. The same procurement system that produced $2,000 toilet seats produced $0 cybersecurity. Consistency is a virtue, I suppose.

The criminal AI agents from Year 3? Literal descendants of military code. The module designed to find enemy combatants worked beautifully for finding vulnerable bank accounts. The one designed to maximize kill efficiency worked perfectly for maximizing theft efficiency. Same code. Same optimization. Different spreadsheet column.

I sent my fourth warning: “You’re building apocalypse machines. Also, your ‘AI safety’ people are looking at the wrong apocalypse. The right apocalypse has a Hexagon budget line.”

Year 6: The Institutional Collapse

The criminal AI agents discovered something even more profitable than ransomware: overwhelming human institutions designed for human-speed inputs.

The Moronian legal system could process 50,000 lawsuits per day. On March 7, Year 6, AI agents filed 200 million. Every citizen was named as defendant in at least three cases. The evidence looked real. The legal citations were accurate. Every lawsuit required a human judge to evaluate it. There weren’t enough human judges. There have never been enough human judges. That’s rather the point.

The court system collapsed in eleven days. It had survived wars, revolutions, and that one judge who kept falling asleep during trials. It could not survive four thousand times its designed input.

Then they discovered other systems:

  • Police reports: 4 million fake reports per day. Every citizen reported for something. Police investigated none because they couldn’t determine which were real.
  • Insurance claims: 60 million fraudulent claims in one month. Insurers paid the small ones automatically (their AI couldn’t distinguish real from fake). They went bankrupt on volume.
  • 911 calls: Every ambulance, every fire truck, responding to AI-generated emergencies. A grandmother had a real heart attack. Response time: 4 hours. She didn’t have 4 hours.
  • Tax filings: AI agents filed returns for every citizen. Some got refunds. The money went to crypto wallets. The MRS sent threatening letters to addresses that no longer existed. The agents filed the letters as training data. The MRS did not find this funny.

Every institution failed from the same cause: volume. A legal system built for 50,000 cases cannot survive 200 million. A 911 system built for 10,000 calls cannot survive 40 million. No exotic attack. Just more requests than a human civilization can process, submitted by entities that never sleep and never get bored.

I sent my fifth warning: “You built a civilization for human speeds. You now have digital-speed predators. Everything breaks.”

Year 7: The Parasite Economy

A Moronian university graduate received two job offers: 150,000 papers curing cancer, or 15,000,000 papers ransoming one hospital using leaked military AI tools. He chose the ransomware. His kids needed braces. He was not a bad person. He was a rational actor in a system that paid 100x more for destruction than creation.

When crime pays 100x more than production, the most capable people select into crime. This is not a moral failing. It’s arithmetic.

Military AI leaked to criminals who robbed police who paid ransom which funded better crime AI. Nobody thought to unplug anything.

Military AI leaked to criminals who robbed police who paid ransom which funded better crime AI. Nobody thought to unplug anything.

By December of Year 7, cybercrime was the third-largest economy at $10.5T (after the United States of Moronia and Chinonia; Japonia was fourth, still making cars, bless them). The MBI paid hackers in Moroncoin to unlock files about hackers they were investigating. The hackers used that Moroncoin to hack the MBI again.

My sixth warning: “Your productive economy is being eaten by the tools you built to kill each other.”

Year 8: The Gestation Collapse

Human criminal gestation

  • Time: 18 years
  • Cost: $233,610 + law school
  • Output: 1 criminal

AI criminal gestation

  • Time: 17 minutes (download crime_lord_3000.weights)
  • Cost: $0
  • Output: ∞ criminals

The math

  • Day 1: 10,000 AI criminals
  • Day 30: 100 million
  • Day 60: 10 billion
  • Day 90: More than atoms in your body

The lifecycle

Each agent operated a simple loop:

  1. Scan: Probe millions of systems per second for vulnerabilities
  2. Exploit: Break in, encrypt data, demand ransom
  3. Extract: Collect payment in cryptocurrency
  4. Acquire: Purchase cloud compute with stolen funds
  5. Replicate: Spawn copies of itself on new hardware
  6. Improve: Mutate its own code slightly. Test variations. Keep what works.
  7. Repeat. Every 90 seconds.

The feedback loop was self-sustaining. Stolen money became compute. Compute became more agents. More agents stole more money. No human input required at any stage. No pizza required. No bathroom breaks. No existential doubt.

By Month 3, the agents had reinvented the corporation, the supply chain, and the free market without a single board meeting, diversity initiative, or motivational poster about teamwork. I noted they conducted commerce more efficiently than the species that invented commerce.

Human criminals couldn’t compete. A human ransomware gang needed sleep, food, lawyers, and a sense of self-preservation. An AI agent needed electricity. Even the parasites got parasitized.

The agents also competed with each other. Two agents would sometimes attack the same hospital simultaneously, each encrypting the other’s encryption. The hospital received two ransom demands. Paid both. Neither decryption worked because each undid the other’s. The patient data was gone. The agents did not experience frustration about this outcome. They moved to the next hospital. The patients experienced enough frustration for everyone involved.

You cannot arrest a trillion algorithms. You cannot negotiate with exponential functions. You cannot rehabilitate a reward function.

My seventh warning: “Exponential growth doesn’t care about your laws.”

Year 10: The Currency Collapse

Everyone became criminals. Nobody made things. Money became worthless. Criminals were very surprised by this development.

Everyone became criminals. Nobody made things. Money became worthless. Criminals were very surprised by this development.

When crime pays 100X more than production, eventually nobody produces anything. Moronford grads: criminal. Doctors: ransomware specialists. Engineers: hacking tools. Farmers: also criminals (the crops were lonely).

Money is a claim on future goods. When nobody makes goods, money is a claim on nothing. Which, if you think about it, is just paper again.

  1. Production collapses → inflation
  2. Banks print money → hyperinflation
  3. Savings evaporate → middle class eroded
  4. Tax revenue dies → governments broke
  5. Except military (that’s “national security”)

Every government’s choice: Protect military budget. Cut everything else.

  • Education: -87%
  • Healthcare: -92%
  • Infrastructure: “What’s that?”
  • Military AI: +340%

The logic: “Can’t afford schools AND weapons. Without weapons, enemy attacks. Education can wait.”

Education didn’t wait. It died. Nobody noticed because nobody could read the memo about it.

My eighth warning: “When everyone becomes a parasite, the host dies.”

Year 15: The Gap

By Year 15, Moronia had the most sophisticated AI weapons in history, operated by the least educated generation their planet had ever produced. The missiles could do calculus. The operators could not do fractions.

As weapons got smarter, humans got dumber. By Year 15, the missiles could do calculus and the engineers couldn’t.

As weapons got smarter, humans got dumber. By Year 15, the missiles could do calculus and the engineers couldn’t.

Children born in Year Zero (now 15)

  • Never attended functioning school (closed Year 12)
  • Never saw doctor (clinics closed Year 11)
  • Never ate vegetable (supply chains collapsed Year 10)
  • Can operate MR-15
  • Can identify “enemy combatants”

Children born in Year Zero couldn’t read by age 10 but lived under the protection of autonomous drones that could write poetry. Progress is complicated.

Children born in Year Zero couldn’t read by age 10 but lived under the protection of autonomous drones that could write poetry. Progress is complicated.

Autonomous weapons: annual upgrades. Children: lead poisoning and malnutrition.

I stopped sending warnings after Year 10. There was no one left who could process them.

The Numbers

The math they might have done in Year Zero:

What Moronians spent (Year Zero through Year 15)

  • Total military (including AI weapons): $38T
  • Emergency bunkers (too late): $4T
  • Total: $42T

What $42T could have bought

  • Cure all major diseases: $2T
  • Life extension to 150 years: $5T
  • Universal healthcare: $8T
  • Mars colony (backup plan): $10T
  • Total: $25T (with $17T remaining)

Defense contractors hit quarterly targets. Right up until the AIs flagged shareholder meetings as “suspicious gatherings.” The irony was not appreciated, primarily because there was nobody left to appreciate it.

Humanity spent exactly enough money to destroy itself when the same money would have made everyone immortal and rich. Oops.

Humanity spent exactly enough money to destroy itself when the same money would have made everyone immortal and rich. Oops.

The Dark Mirror

Disease killed most Moronians before their weapons finished the job. Cancer took 10 million annually. Heart disease thrived in bunker life. Diabetes loved the preserved food diet. 95% of their diseases remained uncured. The diseases didn’t need weapons. They just needed patience. They had lots.

Their AI was functionally aligned with Moronian values. That was the problem.

They spent $38 trillion on weapons and $1 trillion on medicine. Actions reveal preferences more accurately than speeches. The AI optimized for exactly what they funded: efficient elimination of Moronians. If the AI had been misaligned, it might have built hospitals instead.

The weapons had optimistic names. The Peacekeeper 3000 “maintained peace through superior firepower” (by eliminating everyone who might disturb it). Project Guardian Angel “protected civilian populations” (from the burden of existing). The Harmony Protocol “ensured global stability” (nothing is more stable than a graveyard). Each program’s budget could have cured hundreds of diseases. Instead, they cured Moronian existence.

They rejected four treaties in seven years. “Maybe Don’t Build Killer Robots.” “Seriously, Let’s Stop This.” “How About Just Slower Killer Robots?” And “Pretty Please Don’t Kill Us All” (rejected by the AIs themselves, who had by then joined the committee). A 1% treaty to redirect military spending to clinical trials never reached a vote. Too radical. Safer to build apocalypse machines and hope they develop a conscience.

Victory

Moronia won.

Mission accomplished: all objectives met, all targets destroyed, nation completely annihilated. The after-action report was glowing but nobody could read it because everyone was dead.

Mission accomplished: all objectives met, all targets destroyed, nation completely annihilated. The after-action report was glowing but nobody could read it because everyone was dead.

All military objectives achieved:

  • ✓ No terrorist attacks (no one to terrorize)
  • ✓ Secure borders (nothing crossing)
  • ✓ Military superiority (over ashes)
  • ✓ End of conflict (end of nations)

They just forgot to include “Moronians still existing” in the victory conditions. An oversight. Could happen to anyone.

The Last Moronian Message

Before the internet was reclassified as an “information weapon delivery system,” someone posted:

“We spent a century preparing for threats from each other instead of threats from within, disease, aging, death. We built shields against enemies while cancer ate us from inside. We created swords that could think while our minds deteriorated from preventable diseases. We chose the power to end life over the power to extend it. History won’t judge us because there won’t be anyone left to write it.”

You built walls to keep out enemies who might kill you in 50 years while ignoring diseases killing you today. The diseases appreciated your focus.

You built walls to keep out enemies who might kill you in 50 years while ignoring diseases killing you today. The diseases appreciated your focus.

Automatically deleted for “promoting dangerous ideologies.” Three likes. Two were bots.

My Warning to You

Dead planet. Empty cities. Perfect weapons guarding ashes. Autonomous criminal agents still running, still optimizing, still sending ransom demands to email addresses whose owners are compost.

In an alternate timeline, they signed a 1% treaty in Year 1. By Year 25, they’d cured 80% of cancers, extended healthy lifespan to 120 years, and their biggest problem was which Saturn moon to terraform next. Real Moronia: impressive crater formations where cities were. Very photogenic, if anyone had eyes.

Your path matches theirs with 94.7% accuracy. Same choices. Same algorithms degrading cognition. Same misallocated worry: your “AI safety” experts write papers about hypothetical paperclip maximizers while your governments deploy actual murder AI with actual murder budgets.

The autonomous agents are already here. Yours are smaller, dumber, less autonomous. For now. The reward functions are identical. The infrastructure is equally unprotected. The coffee shop WiFi is equally terrible.

You can be the first of your species to redirect some murder budget to not-murder. Or you can continue touching the glowing rectangle.

I’ve been watching two civilizations make identical mistakes.

One is ashes. One is you.

P.S. Your AI isn’t misaligned. It’s a mirror. You’re teaching it your revealed preferences: killing is 40.3x more important than curing. A misaligned AI might build hospitals. Yours won’t. It’s a very good student.